Am I A Geek?

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Photo by Steve Condiotti

AM I A GEEK?
by Nadia Fay

Over the last few decades being a geek has been big business. Geeks are the new kings, the new Gods, the new reality TV stars, the money makers, the quirky, socially awkward, lovable, childlike geniuses that seem to be slowly taking over the planet. Yes, I like them. I like smart people in general. I like vulnerable people. I like honest people and so far most geeks seem to embody those qualities. The challenge I face with this new acceptance and reverence for geekdom is simply the answer to the question…am I a geek?

WHY I MAY NOT BE A GEEK…

Well I don’t look like a geek or at least not the physically expected concept of one. I modeled in my younger years and I regularly participate in photo shoots for promotion because I am a recording artist by trade. I’m not a gamer. I think the last video game I probably played was Tetris. I’ve never been to Sim City. I can’t quote Star Wars (though I have seen it) and I’ve never been amazing at math or science. I’ve only seen one Harry Potter movie. I’ve never been to Comic Con and I wouldn’t even know where to begin with role playing. Ok, so stereotypically speaking, I don’t look or sound like a geek. I don’t have a geek’s expected repertoire of interests. But I still think I might be one…

WHY I MAY BE A GEEK…

I was terribly ostracized as a child. I was so different from my peers in so many ways and misunderstood for being an excessively creative and eccentrically artistic person. I can’t tell you the amount of times I was left out of social situations, deliberately and cruelly excluded and told I was unwanted. The word “weird” followed me around like a plague.

The grade school I attended was very competitive and academically driven. I’m good enough at school, but I don’t excel at it. It doesn’t interest me. It never has. I dropped out of college twice and I hated most of grade school and high school because it was so institutionalized and geared toward a very specific kind of learner, the kind I am not.

When we were supposed to read oral reports on geology in third grade, I wrote and sang a song for the class which had all the pertinent information any report would. I did get an A but I also got a “look at the freak” response from my peers, the same one I would get when I played instruments during show-and-tell, the same look I got when at age 11, I was left behind at Disneyland by a group of girls who deliberately abandoned me on Main St. The birthday girls’ father found me alone and scared at city hall and brought me back to the van where the girls were congregated and giggling when we arrived. “We thought we might have left someone behind, but we couldn’t remember who it was”. Those were the first words I heard when I returned to safety. This type of mockery, exclusion and cruelty continued though out grade school which may have encouraged me even more to escape into my imagination where it was safe.

The second reason I think I may be a geek is because I don’t have a lot of friends. Don’t feel sorry for me, I believe this is by choice. I’m very friendly, kind and outgoing in public but truthfully, I’m also private, sensitive and empathic. I need many hours alone to decompress, reassess and contemplate the downloads I get from the Universe.

I am also extremely fulfilled by the friends that I do have. They are so accepting of me. I feel utterly free and trusting of them. I’m open to new friends, but I love spoiling the ones that I have. They truly deserve my energy and attention. I love to dedicate myself to people who inspire me and protect me. They make me feel more creative and they aren’t phased by my weirdness at all because they are all weird, creative and imaginative themselves.

I also don’t have a lot of friends because my own personality can be a bit overwhelming. I am intense. I have high expectations. I move quickly. I need animation, imagination and movement. I’m hard to keep up with sometimes. I am admittedly self involved and fascinated by my own ideas, aspirations and the high of a good old fashioned sense of accomplishment. Though I’m not scientific, I have a detective’s mind. I am always experimenting with art, music, words, clothes, products, anything that interests me. Self growth drives me and I am a mad scientist with unending intellectual curiosity.

Another reason I think I may be a geek is because I cannot help expressing my craft. The thing I have always excelled at the most has been music and writing. Sometimes the creativity scared me. I didn’t know where it came from or why it made me so strange. I tried other careers and other paths, always being lead back to writing and music sometimes kicking and screaming. For a time I resented it, like I had no choice. I would say that I was in the “music mob” and there was no way out.

Since then I have found new footing. I have accepted and embraced my creativity and originality. I am ok with being liked or disliked, misjudged and misunderstood. I enjoy my own contradictions and have stopped taking offense to the puzzled looks I often get when I start freestyling. I am used to being alone.

So I relate, I really do, to socially awkward people, damaged people, honest people, people who are trapped in their own imaginings. I relate to people with colorful inner worlds, people who are outside of the box intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally and I crave their company

With all this said, I am currently seeking a geek meter reader. Any confident, self proclaimed, undeniably geeky geeks that can tell me…am I one of your kind?

Very Sincerely,

-Nadia Fay

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